Dear Edward
by Kathran
Summary: Bella writes letters to Edward after he leaves. AH, AU. T for trauma and sad endings.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Edward,

I miss you. I wish you were here, and you hadn't left. But life here just isn't the same. I can't stand all of the weird stares and whispering that I get from people. I thought they would die down by now, but they just keep happening. No one can wrap their head around the fact that you're gone. Alice has lost her happy-go-lucky personality; Emmett doesn't play games or practical jokes anymore. Esme is always in her room, and Carlisle almost never comes home from work. My father's worried about me, and all of us. He says I'm like a robot; I still move and work properly, but there's no life. But you have my life- you were my life.

Charlie is forcing me to go back to school tomorrow, after a week of absence. That first day after you left was horrible, and I just couldn't take it. I lasted until third hour before I left. But even around town, nobody stops staring. No one, except your family, gets why I couldn't just move on and get over it. And I can't just get over it. I have nightmares of that night, the night you left me. I'm afraid to sleep now, and even if I fall asleep once I start dreaming that's it for that night. But since I start school again tomorrow, I'm going to try and sleep before I have to get up.

I love you.

Bella


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Edward,

I guess school wasn't terrible. People still stared, and I had to skip lunch and hide in the library, but other than that I survived. Since it's only the middle of September, I don't have very much homework to make up, and what I do have is really easy. I've already finished most of it while trying to avoid sleep, but now I have nothing to keep me awake. So I'm writing to you, even though I know you will never get the chance to read it.

Mike came up to me today, supposedly to figure out when I was coming back to work, but it was obvious that he was just flirting. I couldn't hardly stand the sound of his voice, so I quit. I need the money, though, so I applied for a job at the grocery store on my way home. Charlie said he pay for the things like gas for my truck, but I refused. I think he put money in my wallet anyways.

I really don't have anything else to say, because without you it seems like nothing noteworthy ever happens.

I love you.

Bella


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Edward,

It's almost Halloween. I've been spending a lot of time with your family. They seem like they're recovering. Everyone, except Esme and I, have started smiling again. Alice has even suggested going to a Halloween party, but isn't pressing for it as much as usual. She's designing costumes for us, in case we decide to go. But even when you were here, I would have hated it. Now, with the staring and everything, I can't go.

The staring hasn't stopped like I thought it would. If anything, it's gotten worse. They could understand in the beginning why I was like that, but for them it's gone on too long. I've even had a couple people ask me about seeing a professional to get some help with my grief. I've debated taking the offer, but decided against it. I'm not crazy, I just miss you.

I got the job at the store, and start in a week. I'll pay Charlie back, and then be able to buy my own gas. It will be nice to have something to keep my mind off of what happened. I'm taking late hours, so maybe I won't have to toss and turn so much. I don't sleep anyways, so I may as well do something productive. The nightmares are still terrible. I wake up screaming, and can't fall back asleep. And I miss you every moment I'm alive. I wish you could come back.

I love you.

Bella


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Edward,

I'm sick now. It was Thanksgiving. Esme cooked, even though she wasn't happy she cooked to make the rest of us happy. The appetizers had just been served, and everyone was watching football, just like every year. Every year with you. And I couldn't take it, so I ran out into the woods. I fell, of course, and broke my ankle. I couldn't get up, and it started raining. By the time anyone found me I had a high fever and was puking. Carlisle fixed my ankle and gave me a prescription antibiotic at your house so I didn't have to go to the hospital. There are a couple of times that I've thought about overdosing it, but then I just can't.

Charlie knows this and wants to try and get me counseling, but I don't think anyone will understand what I'm going through. They will see it as just another case, or a teenager who thought she was in love, but it's not. It's so much different, deeper than that. Most of the time I just stay in my room so I don't have to hear the lectures on how I have to get out more and how unhealthy this lifestyle is. I do get out sometimes, if your house counts.

Your family has gotten better. Emmett has taken place as the man of the house now that Carlisle is always at work, and Alice has restarted her normal activities, just without the usual bounce. Esme comes out of the room now, but only when her children need her. She cooks dinner and stops fights and everything that a mother is suppose to do, but all of her free time is spent alone, and the rest of it her mind is with you. She misses you so much. I do too. I wish you could come back to us- to me.

I love you.

Bella


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Edward,

I've been getting better, physically. I'm getting out more because of work and school, and I guess it's finally helping. Christmas break is a week away, and all of our finals are coming up. I'm not very worried; I've studied a lot harder this year trying to keep my mind off of you. It hasn't been working very well.

I stay at your house more often now. Emmett has started trying to talk Carlisle into coming back, and he's home more often now. That means Emmett can get back to playing his jokes. Alice is talking about throwing a New Year's party, to celebrate the past that we did get to spend with you. She says I have to go, and maybe it will help. I don't know about the latter, but I'm going to be there.

Esme is out a lot more, especially now that Carlisle is home. I asked her about it one day when we were alone, how she could stand to keep living an almost normal life. She said that one of the days when she was in her room, something snapped inside her and she realized that she can't disappear from her kids, even if they weren't all there. She still misses you, but she has to be there for the others. I just wish I had something like that, something that was strong enough to drag me away from this pain.

I love you.

Bella


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Edward,

Christmas was better than Thanksgiving. I bought everyone a gift, even you. I gave Alice a sketch book with premade models for her designs and Emmett got a new game. I found a perfect little set of kitchen towels for Esme, and a calligraphy set for Carlisle. I got Charlie a new flannel shirt, since he had worn out a couple of the other ones. I was going to get you a book of blank sheet music for your composing, but then I saw a Christmas ornament that reminded me of you, a small crystal music note. I got both.

I got gifts too, but none of them were very exciting. Alice got me a new dress, for the party no doubt, and Emmett installed a stereo into my truck. Your parents gave me plane tickets to see my mother, but I don't know if I could leave. Charlie gave me a book, but I haven't started reading it. I keep remembering the nights where I would lay in bed reading, and you would hum my lullaby until I fell asleep. Without you there it just isn't the same.

Alice has decided that there will be a party, and that it's mandatory- at least, for me. I don't know how Esme approved of this, but for some reason she did. Alice invited most of the school, not limiting herself to the students. She also told me that everyone was allowed to bring a guest. It doesn't matter how many people are there, though. I'm still going to feel alone.

I love you.

Bella


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Edward,

The party was a week ago, and it was the worst night of my life. Alice had forced me to stay out and be social with her, and I didn't bother fighting it. Mike came up to us with his guest, and Alice thought that it would do me good to meet someone new, someone that hadn't already formed an opinion of me based on the past six months. We sat on the couch near the kitchen and talked. Mike's guest, James, seemed to inherit Mike's annoying habit of not getting the hint, and was flirting with me the entire time. About two hours later Alice had to show Mike where the bathrooms were, leaving James and me alone on the couch. James said he was thirsty, and I took that as an opportunity to get away for a bit. The kitchen had been blocked off for the party, so I went there to get refreshments. I didn't hear him, but James came in after me. He stuffed as much of his sweatshirt in my mouth as he could, which kept me from screaming. He dragged me into the garage, almost ripping my hair out. And then he raped me.

It was terrible. Alice found me naked in the garage. I don't remember what happened after James left, but Alice told me about it. She made everyone leave after she found me, which was about half an hour after she left the couch. I didn't say anything, but she guessed what happened. After helping me shower and get dressed she tried to get me to talk, but I just cried. I guess I fell asleep after that, because I remember going from the garage to Alice's bed. When I woke up she apologized profusely for leaving me alone with him, and I tried to tell her that it was okay and she didn't know, but I couldn't get the words out.

I sat there not talking for the longest time, and then I took the biggest step since you left. I went into your room, and I laid on the bed, just like the long nights where we would talk about the future, and I talked to you. It was like you were right there. I told you I had been raped, and to not freak out because I didn't want you going to jail for murder. I cried onto your pillow, and then I noticed Alice in the doorway with tears running down her face. I got up and I ran home.

I just don't think I can do this anymore, not without you.

I love you.

Bella


	8. Chapter 8

Dear Edward,

I didn't talk to Alice for a week after the party, neither have I go back to school. I don't want anyone to get word about what happened. I don't know how much Mike was told, or how true any of it was. I hated being the girl that couldn't get over her boyfriend, but I don't want to be the girl that went and banged the first guy she could afterwards. But I think the worst part is that I was suppose to start two days after the party. I'm a week late. I took two tests, and they both said the same thing: I'm pregnant.

The day I found out I went to Alice. She was the only one who knew what happened, and was the only one that I could tell about the baby. I told her that I wasn't keeping it, and as pro-life as she is, she agreed that it was the best choice in the situation and would go with me. I'm scared, really. I know I should tell someone else, but I can't bring myself to do it. Charlie and I don't connect any more, and no one else was really close to me. I'm going to a clinic in Seattle tomorrow, and I've already set it up so they don't try to find any family. I told them Alice was my sister and all I had left, and they seemed to believe it.

I can't get any sleep anymore. Before I would get some, and wake up from the nightmares, but now I can't even close my eyes. I lay in bed all night thinking about what happened and how much different it would be if you were here.

I love you.

Bella


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Edward,

We went to the clinic to get the abortion done, and they confirmed what I already knew: I was pregnant. But when we got to the actual abortion part, the woman didn't do anything. She said there was something wrong, and referred me to a trusted doctor. We called and made an appointment. They luckily had an open slot that day, so we stayed in the city. By the time we got the hospital, though, I was doubled over in pain, and my underwear was soaked in blood. The doctor in the hospital said I was having a miscarriage, but that it shouldn't be as bad as it was. They hooked me up and gave me something for the pain, but it didn't help. After that she took an ultrasound. It was about then that I passed out.

When I woke up, the medicine had finally kicked in. Alice was crying beside my bed, and couldn't really speak to tell me what was happening. The doctor came in with the worst look on her face, and I tried to prepare for exactly that. She sat down and explained to me that I had a malignant tumor on my ovaries, one that had moved to my uterus and caused the miscarriage. They could go inside and try to cut it out, but it could consist of a total hysterectomy. I agreed to the surgery. The entire time, Alice was beside me, and even though she tried to talk me out of it, she knew I would win. We scheduled for what's now tomorrow. I went home that day and told my dad. He called the police station and started a search for James, and then apologized for not being there for me when I needed him. He told me that he would be there for the surgery. Now we just have to wait.

I love you.

Bella


	10. Chapter 10

Dear Edward,

The surgery wasn't successful. The doctor said that a malignant tumor means it grows and moves around, and by the time they had gotten in, the cancer had spread too far to cut out during that surgery. They said it was in my stomach now, and they would need to do another surgery with a new team. They said as soon as I agreed they would schedule it for the next morning. Then he told me that the survival rate wasn't very high, only a dozen cases have made it, and that stacked on top of the cancer itself made it almost too risky for them. I had about a month without the surgery, but with a successful surgery I could get another year. I agreed. I didn't want another year without you.

Alice was trying to distract me earlier, telling me about what happened in the week that I was gone, after the party. Two new kids came to school, both our age, and they met Alice and Emmett. They were brother and sister through adoption, but now that the sister is eighteen, they aren't really related. Alice spent some time with the brother, Jasper, and she thinks he likes her. She knows they were meant to be, and I can tell by the way she talks about him that it's true, she just doesn't want to be the first one to make a move. Emmett has fallen head over heels for the sister, Rosalie. They are already talking about a future together. She balances out his almost-childlike nature really well. It would be surprising that they both found matches so quickly, but after seeing it with you and me it's not.

The nurse is forcing me to turn out the light now. She says that if I want any hope for surviving the surgery tomorrow I need to be well rested.

I love you.

Bella


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: This is a dream Bella is having during the surgery and not actually a letter.**

We were driving back from our date. It had been perfect, mostly because it was Edward. He had taken me out to a fancy restaurant the same night as a party Alice was trying to get us to go to. The whole purpose was to help me escape it. I noticed he had been fiddling with his pocket all night, and had even caught a glimpse of a little black box. If it was what I thought it was, Alice would freak. I smiled at the thought of calling Edward my_ husband_.

"Did you have a good night?" Edward asked me. We were at a stoplight, with one other car on the street.

"I had fun. Much better than a party." I smiled as he leaned in to kiss me before the light turned green, and almost melted when he finally reached me. He pulled away quickly, so he could keep driving.

That was when I realized this was the nightmare. When it had actually happened, it was too fast for me to recognize what was going on, but looking back on it, even in the dream, I could clearly see everything that happened. As Edward pulled forward on the green light, I was looking past him at an oncoming car. He heard me screamed and looked over at me. Maybe he saw the headlights on my face, or maybe he just knew, but next I know he had unbuckled his seatbelt and thrown himself on top of me to protect me.

I was thrown from the car and knocked unconscious, waking up on the side of the road. The car was on fire, and an ambulance was already here. There were people attending to me, but I didn't care. I had one worry.

"Where's Edward?" I asked, over and over again. No one would answer, so I tried to get up. That was when they decided to strap me to a gurney and put me in the ambulance. When we got there, as soon as they unstrapped me, I took off running after the person that came in after me. Edward. I ran with him all the way to the emergency room, where the EMTs blocked me from getting in. They took me back to a bed where I could get checked out, and gave me his jacket.

"Ma'am, we found this in his hand and thought it was yours." One of them handed me the little black box from earlier. Sure enough, inside was a little diamond… and engagement ring.

After that I was in and out of consciousness. I heard shouts of crashing, then a rapid beeping that accompanied a bright light. Surgery. One minute they were in my chest, but the next it was my stomach. Why were they letting me stay awake? Wasn't I supposed to be drugged?

A long, continuous beep filled the room. I was seeing a girl on an operating table now. The doctors were walking away, not even bothering to sew her up. One said the time.

That girl was me.


	12. Chapter 12

Dear Bella,

I did get your letters, although I didn't need to. I was with you the entire time. I wish there had been some way for you to see the angels that were with you, trying to comfort you. But I think you will be happy now. We were never meant to be apart. They told me that you had cancer, and that you were going to die soon. What they didn't tell me was why I left first.

I helped the police find James, and he got what he deserved. I thought you would appreciate it if he was found. I'm sorry I couldn't do anything. I tried everything to get them to let me, but the only one who had the power to stop him wouldn't. Now I see why: it would get you to me faster. I just wish there had been a better way, and I could have been there to help. I was there afterwards, when you went to my room. I hummed your lullaby while you talked to me.

They just told me that you got here. This place is amazing. I can't wait to show you some of my favorite things, and a couple that I know you would just love. I'm going to go say hi to the love of my life- my everything- now. I'll give this to you later, and you can read it even though I probably would have told you already.

I love you.

Edward.


End file.
